the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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