Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
