Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
