I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
