And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
