ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
