based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Someone came in the potted fern
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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