i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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