If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
