dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
