u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
