College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
