Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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