I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
