I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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