It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize