I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
