Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
