Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
