I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
