apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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