Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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