im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
