I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.