Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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