The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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