carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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