some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He? As in you personified your dick?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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