my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
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Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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