im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
