Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
