Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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