Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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