did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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