just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
