glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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