I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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