I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
