Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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