I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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