I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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