Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
