Whod you bang
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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