we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
