Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
