as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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