I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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