I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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