i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
