There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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