Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
