so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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