oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
