I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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