Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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