So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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