My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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