My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
