I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
