I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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