after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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