when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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