Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So I just went to clothing optional bar
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
