Have you finally orgasmed yet?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
